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The Gift Economy in My Life
By Jutta Ried
"Gratefulness is the angel standing at the edge of the abyss."
This saying has followed me around for many years now and seen from the viewpoint of the exchange paradigm it could be a powerfully poisonous mantra sending us into the endless orbit of obligating co-dependency. Seen from the vantage point of the gift-paradigm it is the expression of the consciousness of the giftedness of life itself. Seeing how I am gifted in my life, how life flows to and through me has made me free of fear. As serendipity has it, I am entering into a greater consciousness of this reality now and during the past few months than ever before.
The first time I came across the term gift-economy was sometime early last year. I received one of those e-mail circulars which usually wander un-read into the e-bin. But this time, I read the text and the word gift economy struck a cord in me somewhere. So I replied to the sender, a woman from Finland who I did not know at all, and asked what this gift-economy was all about. She told me of the author, Genevieve Vaughan who had written the book For-Giving. I should write to her and she would send me the book as a gift. Thinking I could do nothing wrong by following these instructions, the book promptly arrived and I was struck dumb when I started reading.
Here I found somebody who described my life and how I always had lived it. Somebody validated my experience, which has always been ridiculed and belittled by members of my family.
I had always loved to work and give of myself to others. I always longed for a family where I could do "legitimised giving" but being 47 and single now without children and never married, it was not to be. So I always felt like the odd one out, being single and not being interested in climbing the career ladder. All I wanted was to live in a community where I could use my various skills and be with other people in support of one another. But I was always told that I was being totally unrealistic and I should "wake up to the real world." I am glad I did indeed waken up to the real world, the feminine way and it is indeed the world of giving.
And interestingly, when I first started reading Gen's book, I skipped over the bits which were too academic for me, on language theory, I did not connect with the academia at all, and still find it difficult now. But it is actually through language, and being bilingual, that this experience of rich giftedness has been granted to me.
I am a German national, and was dyslexic as a child. I can still remember the day when I went to the new school, 5th grade. Nearly everybody was going to English classes, except a few very "weak" kids. The teacher had known my brother who was such a gifted kid he rarely needed to do any homework and still made good grades. Making the assumption that I would be similarly gifted (and indeed I am) this teacher tried to push me into the English lessons and I held onto the door frame for dear life, crying.
I could not see how I could start to learn another language when I had not mastered my own. With my 10 years I was able to stand up to her, and was sent into a special course for dyslexic children instead.
We had here in Germany a three tiered school system, and I was at the bottom rung. I had accepted that I was somewhat "stupid," as dyslexia was not even recognised as a disorder at that time. Then during 8th grade I had the gift of a wonderful teacher who saw my potential under the frightened shell. One day, as we were talking about the future and possible professions, she made a very unconventional suggestion. At this time, in the early seventies, there were not many options for a girl not inclined to academia: shop assistant, hair dresser, secretary, nurse. None of those really appealed to me. She suggested I go back to 7th grade into what was called "Middle School" and if I did not like it I could just come back. This was a very unusual thing to do, and I followed her suggestion and never looked back.
I had to start English from scratch, when all the other kids had already studied it for 3 years, so my parents found a private teacher with whom I could study in the afternoons trying to catch up with the others. The gift of this extra time with an adult was very special for me. Because I was quite a "live wire" at school, any lack in written work was made up for by my enthusiastic and lively participation in class.
The next step was going to grammar school to study for the baccalaureate, the entry examination for university, which is called "Abitur" in Germany. A group of girls from the same class went to a special school which took children from the Middle Schools to train them for this examination. This school was in a small town with an American Army Installation and some of us started going out with the young GI's. Soon after that I was fluent in spoken English. I repeated one of the grades for non-attendance because I was so busy seeing my boyfriend, but in the end I managed to achieve a good average mark.
During this time I had fallen in love with a black American soldier and there has always been something about black people which pulled me strongly, something of this zest for life which I was feeling inside, but found no expression in most of my surroundings. He left me for another woman. I was as deeply depressed as I can remember and felt bereft and desolate. One day hitching home from Frankfurt, a black American woman picked me up. I poured out my heart to her and consequently we became friends. She was very interesting: a gospel and jazz singer and psychologist and a member of a local American Pentecostal Church.
To make a long story short I had a very powerful conversion experience and because I had no frame of reference for this experience I swallowed everything the church(mainly men) told me "hook, line and sinker," and became involved in a very fundamentalist approach to Christianity for many years. And here the teaching of gift giving was stressed very much. And I can remember regularly tithing (giving 10% of my income to the church) and during that time I did not have financial problems, there is something like a letting go that sets in when one is willing to give a part away. There was always enough money to meet my needs. And the basic teaching of Jesus to my mind still confirms the gift-giving paradigm for me, which existed of course long before him. When I give from a free and loving heart, somehow this giving will be returned to me. It is like a spiritual law: what is given freely will come back. Of course there are numerous Christian and Esoteric books on the market both teaching this law. But the problem is you can not just try to follow the law, always looking toward the outcome, really being driven by one's fear of not having enough. And there are some really disastrous outgrowths of a spiritual reality which people try to "fit into the exchange-paradigm" such as the Health and Wealth Gospel movement and various esoteric cult teachings as well.
I never did chose the path of academia, for fear I could not master it, but on the outside I 'despised' the often very arrogant 'upper class' kids, because they despised me, working class kid and felt I could not keep up with them. I was always afraid of the harsh competition, be it in sports or in class, and I expected university to be even worse.
Having always admired working with my hands and wanting to prove myself I applied to train as a carpenter, but the atmosphere was so sexist and belittling that I changed my mind. At this time, early 80's, there were not many woman in the field of carpentry. I trained in horticulture instead which was more women friendly. This gave me a love of nature, and a true appreciation of the giftedness of life. And this is really where I understand the whole idea of the gift paradigm takes its origin from, in the abundance and richness of life which nature provides.
I trained in a conventional ornamental house plant production company, but quickly turned to organic systems which were just taking off in Germany. During this time there was a real movement towards living in community and living off the land. Many folks bought land and set up farms to live a self-sufficient frugal lifestyle which would work in co-operation with nature instead of trying to dominate it with agro-technology and agro-chemicals. Many Germans went all over the world to start up organic farms to get away from the rat-race.
After I finished my apprenticeship in horticulture I worked for an organic grower for a while, but at that time I was really looking for a Christian organic farmer or better still a farming Christian community. So off I went in my search to the "promised land" the U.S. I ended up in what I call now my "fundamentalist Boot camp," a missionary group ran by two ex-army members. Women were to be "under the cover" of a man, so not being married I was supposed to submit to the male leadership. Of course they were infallible, almost like the Pope who was of course criticised for his stance. But disobeying the authority over me was like disobeying God himself, as the scriptures say Š. God has installed those who are governing us. Despite this, looking back now, it gave me a real experience of "living by faith" or trusting that if I do what my heart desires, all my needs will be met. I had a group of friends who sponsored me financially and I was never in need of anything. There was only one other single woman there who was very kind to me and supported me in many ways, which kept me sane in and insane situation.
After two years in the US I retuned to live in Germany to look after my dad who had become very ill with cancer. Emotionally I felt very unstable, I was unemployed in Germany and eventually found a job in London, England with a Christian Company who were wholesaling wholefoods.
We used to have a prayer meeting at the company I worked for every morning and learning to take responsibility for this meeting taught me a lot about self-expression and speaking publicly. It was a very intense time and I made friendships with people which remain today especially with some of the women.
During all this time I loved celebrating and organising celebrations and bringing people together. My search went on trying to find the life where I could give of myself and not worry about my daily needs. After working for Community Foods I lived in a convent for a year, observing the religious community with the view to joining the noviciate, while I ran their small organic vegetable garden. But it was quickly clear that this was not for me.
During my time in London I also trained as a therapist for two years sensing that I had gifts in this area. I discontinued the training because for one I fell
out with the director, and also during the mid 80's to the mid 90's I saw a therapy 'industry' growing up around me which made me wonder about the motivation of many of its proponents.
During my first contacts with therapy and reading very many books about the subject I kept thinking "This work ought to be done by "the body of Christ" for love, not for money." There were some free services of different Church groups, but as the field got more and more "professionalised" it got more and more expensive.
There were two main reasons why I personally went for therapy: one was my seeming inability to stay in any relationship longer then a year or two, and an eating disorder which was growing more and more ferocious. The connection between compulsive overeating and sexuality was one I only understood much later. I started to attend 12-step groups for compulsive eating. This was really my first conscious experience of gift-giving with a real powerful effect. Here was a group of addicts who were simply listening to each other and 'sponsoring' each other. The concept of the sponsor is very important in the 12-step groups, as it is the very act of "giving away" your sobriety which keeps you sober (meaning sharing it with others and giving of your time and attention and financial support as well).
The main benefit of my experience in these groups has been the practice of "encountering" a benevolent higher power, not a punishing God who I feared from my fundamentalist Christian time. The experience that one could chose any higher power one wished, or none at all, the support could also be the group itself. As I watched people getting better I understood how this "faith" worked. It was the constant reinforcement of a positive approach to life which slowly changed my inner world. This experience did more for me than any of the smart books I had read, as it convinced me that life is good, if I let it be good to me. At the same time a very helpful tool in the groups were the little sayings or proverbs, which would pop up at the appropriate time and help me to resist the compulsive acting out. This again demonstrates the relationship between language and giving. These are some of my favourite examples:
One day at a time.
This too shall pass.
We can't think ourselves out of our addiction; but we can only act ourselves into serenity.
Let go and let God.
God says today, the devil says tomorrow.
If the devil can't get you with poverty, he will surely get you with success.
Coincidences are Gods way of staying anonymous.
Whether the cup is half full or half empty depends completely on your viewpoint.
When the pupil is ready the teacher appears.
These saying were like little beams of light which would shine into my often unmanageable everyday life. I valued the support of those who sponsored me, who would take time to sit with me and listen to my feelings and fears, who would not judge me but could identify with my experiences. In return I had the sense of really having something to contribute when I sponsored others. Attending these groups was a very healing experience for me. My continued interest in communities led me to become involved in a large group experience called Community Building. I was involved in this for many years in London. The most exciting thing I learned there was, the truth of my life and my past, my very own experience, with all its joys and pains and paradoxes will be the well-spring of my future. So the act of acceptance is what enables me to build on the building blocks of the past, this is where gratefulness for the gifts one has received comes in again. And the other very important two points, to speak when I feel moved to speak and let the words just flow without being afraid of not knowing what to say next. The experience of the passing of emotions, the hard to handle anger and aggression and fear, all will pass, liberated me to trust more in the life that was given to me. Life is in constant flux, we can not control it, not only that, the very act of trying to control life mostly makes it unbearable. It's like stemming up flowing water, the pressure will eventually destroy the vessel used for its arresting, or the water will find a way around the blockage.
Then I moved on from London to live in Ireland, still looking for a community. I ended up living in West-Waterford, a small village called Dunmore East, living on a farm which was run by an Amish-Mennonite family, growing vegetables for a box-scheme and a small farm shop. The farmer was a lecturer at the local technical college and only ran the farm part time. I really enjoyed my work there, but the church was way too narrow for me. Again principally the same dogmas, no equality for women, and a very strict dress code as well.
The farmer eventually decided to give up the commercial farming, since he made more money as a lecturer and the children were not really into working so hard and the rest of the church was also more into trading rather then growing food. So I was a bit shocked that after having given up everything in England to come over to Ireland I was told after one seasons growing that it was not to be continued. I applied to attend a small college course on organic horticulture and went to work at a Camphill community while I was waiting for the course to start.
The Camphill communities are a good example how the gift-giving can function. People work in these communities without fixed pay. All their needs are taken care of: housing, clothing food, recreation, and they get a small allowance and if they need extra money they apply for it and it will be paid from a special fund. I stayed there for 8 months and really enjoyed it, even though it was hard work. I worked in one house cooking in the mornings and gardening in the afternoons. Camphill communities are based on the Philosophy of Rudolph Steiner Then I joined the college and lived in a shared house with 4 other students, mostly younger people from many different nations. We always had big celebrations in the house we lived in and everybody brought food to share and we made music and danced a lot. There was a great sense of giving to each other all the time. What comes to mind here is the aspect of relationship which is stressed by Gen, that giving establishes relationship.
We were 5 students and we lived in the biggest house on the square in this quaint little Irish village in West-Limerick called Dromcollogher. Our landlord was a self-made man and very wealthy, he owned a lot of property and several factories. Because of his success he was not well liked by many villagers, and I heard how difficult he was. I quite took to him when I first met him, and gave him the benefit of the doubt. So I established a relationship with him just by being friendly to him and not begrudging his wealth. Our house was a very lively and unusual place and he obviously liked coming for visits, always getting "strange, foreign" food from us. I was friendly to him and he was friendly to us. As a consequence, when I asked him to do certain jobs in the house that needed doing he would always do it quite promptly, because I had established a relationship with him. He also owned a small house next to ours which was also rented to students and they always complained to me about him, as they saw him as the rich landlord. I just saw him as the man who owns the house we lived in, and a funny man on top of that. So I saw and experienced how this giving works.
I would like to raise another issue which I think is very important. When I first stared to read Gen's book the issue of co-dependency came up for me very strongly. I know that my giving has often been very manipulative, I wanted to "buy friends" at a certain time of my life, so what looks to the outside as very generous, is really an act of manoeuvring. In this sense the act of giving can be a weighing up of my input to see whether or not I get an equivalent back, just as it is in the exchange paradigm. I think this is one of the reasons for inventing money, to avoid having to deal with emotional issues and having to relate. One does not have to be a decent person to have one's needs met when there is money, one can buy everything, even sexual gratification. But if one lives in a society which is based on relational process one has to adapt to the "rules" of this society. Our ego-centric narcissistic society has come about through the way we related, we use each other. Ann Willson-Schaef talks about an addictive society, everything in our society is based on addiction, and addiction is a way to escape from intimacy.
In the year 2000 I returned to live in Germany because my mother had become very ill with cancer. She was bedridden for many months, and living with my sister who was a few weeks away from the delivery of her third child. My sister called me up in Ireland and asked me to come back home to help with our mother. At that time I had just finished the college course anyway and was in the process of wondering what to do next. The timing was perfect so in September 2000 I moved back home after 16 years abroad.
My idea was to live with my family, but this was not to be, strained relationships made it hard to find common ground between my sister and me and my brother and me. So I now finally live in a house-community with one other woman and one man, and it is really working well. There is a sense of being welcome and appreciated for who I am and therefore my gifts can really flourish and I bring out in others the giftedness in them.
Gift-giving and the civil society movement.
One of the things I got involved in when I returned to live in Germany is to be a volunteer for an anti-globalisation NGO called attac, which has a group of people doing online translations of texts and also interpreting at various events.
To have been involved in this did two things for me, it helps me hone my skills greatly and it gives me a sense of being involved in something I considered worthwhile. So as I am giving of my skills and time to the various tasks, they get more and more refined and I am meeting the most interesting people. The fact I am writing this article now has come through the contacts I made at the first ESF (Europeans Social Forum) in Florence in 2002. I am not a trained translator or interpreter, but I have the skills to do it and I am able to do it in a context I am happy about.
There are thousands of young people involved in this group called "Babels," the volunteer translators and interpreters of attac and it helps them to feel involved with something they can contribute. There are more and more individuals who are involved in bartering circles all over Germany with some of them having their own regional currency.
There is a groundswell of interest in real alternatives to the current system and gift-giving is the basis of all of those systems. And as Gen rightly says the first priority now has to be to recognize where gift-giving is still in existence and validate and protect it, both in the so-called developing world (developing from gift-giving into the exchange mode!!!) and in our society as well. It is incredible once my eyes were opened to see it, I started to see it everywhere.
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